One year ago today you were born. I love that you came in the fall, my favorite time of year. The years go by faster and faster as I get older, and this year was no different. So many special moments crammed in such a short period made it very rich indeed. Every day I kissed and cuddled you, nursed you & fed you. I figure you wore about 3,000 diapers, and I probably changed about 2,000 of them myself. I pledged to give you at least 100 kisses a day, so you've gotten at least 36,500 kisses this year.

This year you smiled, laughed, rolled over, kissed, sat up, crawled, pulled yourself up, spoke, and pointed. You are flirty, happy and truly a joy to be around always. You made a good friend in your neighbor Ethan Walp. You understand so much about the world around you already. You watch and listen and pay close attention to our subtle emotional ques. You love pasta, and peas. You chug your water. As you turn one year old, you fill your 24 month size clothes. You are a very long and large baby. You smile easily and you delight in being silly.

I hope you aren't expected to grow up too fast because of your size. I hope you know that the love that we have for you is unconditional. I think your father and I would both agree that some of the most important things to us is that as you grow, you learn how to be thoughtful, generous, creative and inquisitive. You are a very special person, and we love you more than anything else in the whole world.

Your Birth Story:

On our due date, October 7th 2008, we had a morning appointment with my doctor to monitor you and check the amniotic fluid level to make sure things looked good. The morning happens to be when you were always least active, so naturally the monitoring showed not too much in the way of fetal movement. My doctor "was not reassured" by that lack of movement, and she was concerned about my fluid level. It was low in some areas, but there was a large area of fluid that looked like it might have meconium in it (baby's first digestive materials) which is sometimes a sign of fetal stress. So she sent me over to Cottage Hospital for monitoring and suggested that I could try a round of Cervidil which helps to "ripen the cervix" (eww) and encourage it to dilate. It can put some people into labor right away, and for others it just helps get the cervix softened.

I had to stay in the hospital for 12 hours while the medicine did its thing, and you were monitored occasionally to ensure that all was well. Near the end of those 12 hours I started having very minor contractions. The nurse checked me and I was no further along (1cm dilation) than when I had arrived that morning, so we went home and decided that we'd see if things got started on their own. By the time I got out of the shower and ready for bed I had more contractions, but it wasn't until I laid down that they started coming rapidly. They seemed strong, and fast... but they had just started. It was 1am, we had left the hospital only 30 minutes before.

I tried to sleep, but figured out after about 5 minutes that I wasn't going to be able to sleep through these contractions. They were intense. Was this early labor?? I had thought it was supposed to start off slow. The sensations I was having were only 3 minutes apart! I got out of bed and decided to wrie a blog entry. It wasn't long before I knew this was real -- this wasn't labor that was going to start and stop. I was alone (I wanted to let Ryan sleep), tired from a long day at the hospital, and second guessing my progression. These contractions hurt. I was unable to concentrate, eat, or drink; I was unable to move around the house without needing to grab a hold of something every few minutes.

From 2am to 4:15am I was at home. I took a bath, worked through the contractions, tried to breathe well and to relax if possible. I prepped my hypnobirthing tracks on my iPhone and tried to listen. It wasn't gonna happen. After listening to just one track during a contraction I realized that hypnobirthing wasn't going to work for me. It just didn't feel right. So I turned to music. I wanted songs I knew very well, songs that I could sing along with to give me something to do during the contractions... to help me focus, breathe and relax. I listened to a few of my favorite Depeche Mode songs, the ones I had loaded on my phone: Judas, One Caress and The Bottom Line. I found The Bottom Line particularly helpful with the breathing; so many low notes that I had to breathe deep. Singing made things easier, less lonely, less scary. I took a bath. The contractions kept coming, and they grew more and more intense.

I woke Ryan 4:15 and told him we needed to go to the hospital. I held on (to the wall, the bed frame, the chair, the birthing ball), while he carried a few things in the car. The car ride was short, but man... I had a contraction when I first sat in the car, and told Ryan he should probably pull over during the next one because the car's movement would be too painful. The distance to the hospital is less than a mile. We started driving after the first contraction and I had three more before I exited the car. They were relentless! I was wheeled into a labor room and examined: I had dilated from 1cm to 5.5 cm in only 4 hours. An hour later, after getting settled, I was 6.5 cm. I was thrilled! It was painful, but manageable. I could do this.

By 8am, my sister Lara had arrived, and I was progressing with more intense contractions. I was thinking that maybe I could have you out by about 10am. My doctor came by to check on me at 9, about the time I knew I must be in transition. She checked me and noted that I was about 7cm dilated. I had only progressed about a half centimeter through three hours of hard work. It was discouraging. Your head was still pretty high, my water had not broken, and I had a lot of work ahead of me. I began to get discouraged and upset, and was considering pain medication. My doula suggested that I move around more, to get things to progress faster. I agreed it was a good idea, but it was difficult with the strength of the contractions... and by then they were coming every 2 minutes. I moved from an upright position to my side, and with that move I had the strongest contraction yet. It rocked me so hard that for the first time while in labor I exploded in tears and yelled "Okay, this is where I stop listening to everyone!" This was the moment I knew I was going to ask for an epidural.

The contractions that followed were almost all of a similar strength. This was what transition was all about. This is the classic time period where (almost) every woman wants pain meds. I was one of those women, but I was also willing to negotiate. It was about 9am and I said that if I got checked again in an hour and I had progressed to somewhere past 9.5 cm I would not get the epidural. So we moved around, we went into the shower, we moaned together. My sister was there along with my doulas, and Ryan was there. They all supported me. The Doulas were there to help me avoid the pain meds, so they put up the kind of fight that I had hoped they would. I did have to argue my way to the pain meds, and when we saw that I hadn't progressed much further after another two hours of labor, I had the epidural I wanted. It was a good one too... I could still feel my limbs, and move them... but the pain was almost gone. I had strength and feeling enough to push and I knew it would be okay.

Once the epidural was working, everyone took a break. Your Dad got some food, and I tried to nap (unsuccessfully). After awhile, my doctor came by to break my water. The contractions grew way stronger and longer after that. I was starting to feel them again, and even to feel some pain, so I had my epidural adjusted to meet the pain level. Later we learned that the epidural worked for only about 2 hours before the pump broke. I was no longer receiving pain medication. So as I geared up for the first few pushes, I felt more and more pain. For my first few pushes I probably felt about 50-60% of the actual pain because the meds were wearing off slowly. The nurses were encouraging and they said I was a good pusher and that they'd have to call the doctor soon. My nurse had me start getting serious about the pushing, and she told me to give it my all to see how far I could push you down. I push, but it hurt now and the nurses looked at me a bit unimpressed. She said, say... "you're holding back" and I say "yeah, it hurts!" and they say, "oh, its just pressure you're feeling" and I say, "did you check the epidural? I need more I think" anyway, they just carry on and so do I. So I start pushing harder and now I am working very hard. I do pretty well, all the while the pain meds are slipping out of effect. Bad timing, if you ask me. I am really glad I didn't know the pump had broken though because I probably would have stopped everything to have it fixed if I had known and that might not have been so good for you, baby.

So things started moving really fast once your head was visible. The room filled with nicu (Neonatal intensive care unit) nurses, who were ready to suction and check to make sure you were okay. My doctor was in position, in scrubs. The lights were dim everywhere but on my lower half. It was getting surreal. Sounds were coming from everywhere, everyone rooting for me and the hustle and bustle of the delivery nurses preparing. The contractions were still as painful as ever but were completely overshadowed by the pain from trying to squeeze you out. From that point on, my doctor was the conductor in a 40 minute symphony to get you delivered. These last few minutes were intense, and loud. I was probably screaming? I don't even remember anymore. Its funny how fast you forget those details. Its a good thing I don't have video of the experience or I would never forget. hah. Some things are okay to forget, in my opinion. I do recall everyone counting, and saying "push!! push!!" and then the final time, I pushed, and pushed and then everyone suddenly was yelling "stop stop stop!" and that was when your head had come out. A few seconds, and one small push later, you were out.

The Dr. had your dad cut your umbilical cord immediately after so the nurses could check you. I knew they needed to take you for a minute before I could hold you. When you cried, I was so happy. I was finally able to hear you, and I knew you wanted me. From the bed I remember saying, "its okay baby, its okay." After a minute I asked "is he okay, why can't I have him yet?" I waited impatiently while the Dr. prepared to stitch up the 2nd degree tear that one gets while pushing out a 9lb 5oz baby. As she started stitching I remember saying, "can I get a local" anesthetic to numb the pain? She said yes, and went to it, I think that she might have been under the impression that I had an epidural that had worked or something. She seemed a little surprised that I could feel so much. At that point, even I didn't know that my epidural had been off for some time. I just knew it hurt, it was no small additional amount of pain.

When you were brought over to me, I was able to finally see your beautiful face and stare into your eyes. You looked at me, and you stopped crying after a few seconds. Then you just stared deep into my eyes as I talked softly to you and told you how happy I was to meet you. You also looked at your dad, and we had a little family hug. It was surreal and magical and overwhelming. I remember thinking you looked really boyish already, and that you were big! What a healthy big baby, I was proud of what we had just both accomplished together. You nursed after we had a few minutes to get to know each other. Your father held you and your grandma Secord came in to meet you. Then you needed to go to the nurses station to get weighed and have a few shots. I am glad I missed this part, your father said it wasn't fun for you or him.

I remember feeling pretty good, and not as tired as I expected. I was high with excitement about spending time with you. We got moved to a recovery room and that is where your dad brought you back to me. You nursed again and your father and I talked about the events of the previous 17 hours. After a few minutes I called my friend Alex Guy who I knew was waiting to come meet you & bring us some dinner. Turns out Alex was working from the hospital for part of the afternoon, waiting for you to arrive. Alex came over about an hour later with a Taffy's pizza and we gobbled it down with enthusiasm, since this was the first food I had eaten in over 20 hours. We had a nice visit, then Alex headed home. I couldn't imagine having you sleep in the little crib they had for you so I tucked you all swaddled tight, in next to me in the bed. We both slept for a few hours until the night nurse came in to disturb us with various checks.

The following afternoon you had two visitors just before we left the hospital, Erin Brennan & Teresa Dillow. We only wanted to stay at the hospital as long as was mandatory. So 24 hours after you were born, we were home. Your aunt Lara & Grandma Secord had cleaned and prepared the home with some yummy food & champagne. We opened a bottle of 1996 Dom Perignon that was a wedding gift from our friend Brendan Burke. Adrianne, Robert, Lara, Miles, Danika, Grandma Secord, Grandpa Secord, Erin Brennan & Etta Fontenot, & Teresa Dillow were all there for a toast to you. Grandma gave me a gift of a 1978 gold Krugerrand that was given to her by my father when I was born.

A few hours later, we were alone. Our new little family cuddled up in bed together & it was a lovely dream come true.

Love,
Mama

The useless dawn finds me in a deserted street-
corner; I have outlived the night.
Nights are proud waves; darkblue topheavy waves
laden with all the hues of deep spoil, laden with
things unlikely and desirable.
Nights have a habit of mysterious gifts and refusals,
of things half given away, half withheld,
of joys with a dark hemisphere. Nights act
that way, I tell you.
The surge, that night, left me the customary shreds
and odd ends: some hated friends to chat
with, music for dreams, and the smoking of
bitter ashes. The things my hungry heart
has no use for.
The big wave brought you.
Words, any words, your laughter; and you so lazily
and incessantly beautiful. We talked and you
have forgotten the words.
The shattering dawn finds me in a deserted street
of my city.
Your profile turned away, the sounds that go to
make your name, the lilt of your laughter:
these are the illustrious toys you have left me.
I turn them over in the dawn, I lose them, I find
them; I tell them to the few stray dogs and
to the few stray stars of the dawn.
Your dark rich life ...
I must get at you, somehow; I put away those
illustrious toys you have left me, I want your
hidden look, your real smile -- that lonely,
mocking smile your cool mirror knows.

Today was my due date, I had a Dr's appointment in the morning, got some fetal activity monitoring done during the time when the kid is usually least active... and thusly the dr was a little concerned about what she was seeing. So we went to the hospital for additional monitoring. That went much better because I had some food and the kid had some time to wake up. I agreed to allow my dr to order up some medicine called cervidil which apparently helps "ripen" the cervix, get you to dilate, and sometimes just encourage the onset of labor.

It is a relatively mild and more natural way to sometimes jump start a process that is almost ready to begin on its own. The only drawback is that you have to be IN the hospital for 12 hours while the medicine is given, and intermittently monitored to make sure everything is going alright. So I did this, starting at 12:30pm and I was surprised how fast time passed. By 9pm I had enjoyed the presidential debate, and was settling in for a double header of the Daily show and the Colbert Report (featuring my friend Opus! yay!). It was a nice evening, though no consistent contractions were happening or anything.

Then what seemed like out of nowhere, I started seeing that I was infact registering some contractions... about 8-10 minutes apart, but I hardly was noticing them. It was about 10pm when we noticed this... and around 12:30 I got checked, and sent home (where I wanted to be). Before I left the hospital I was having contractions about 6 to 8 minutes apart. Only now 1 hour later I'm up, writing this... and they are already only 3 minutes apart. As soon as I put my head to the pillow they just got so fast.

Who knows, maybe this means I'll be up all night in labor having a baby sometime soon... or maybe It'll end, and undoubtedly start up again tomorrow sometime... Either way... I am clearly having a baby. SOON.
YAAAAAy.

Holy crap these are strong contractions, its exciting to finally know what real ones feel like.

Time now: 1:48am on October 8th - 3 minutes apart.

We'll update tomorrow, I imagine.
Wish us luck, we promise we'll keep you posted on any noteworthy developments.

Last week I started going on walks, at least twice a day for awhile, up the hills around my house. Its the only time I can be sure to experience contractions, and I want more of those. I get the strongest ones at night so I walk long and slow for at least twenty minutes. I recently borrowed my sister's birth/exercise ball and now I'm using it as a chair. Hoping it will help the baby to drop down some more so we can get this going. I've been getting acupuncture treatments to hopefully help things along.

If you want to know when we have given birth, you can check here, or if you want up to the minute reports I assume Ryan will be using Twitter to make announcements from the hospital etc. Don't worry, when something happens we'll let you know...

He calls me Wife, (pronounced Wii-Fey)

He makes sure I eat balanced meals.

He positions my many pillows so I can rest comfortably.

He downloads our favorite shows so we can watch them in bed (Mad Men & Weeds, lately)

He asks me to make lists of tasks I need done so he can do them instead of me.

He talks to our baby in my tummy, and tells him to quit being a slacker and get a job (daddy is a funny man, baby, best to figure that out before you're born).... and that he loves him very much.

He cuddles our dog Alfie, and tucks him under a blanket on his special pillow every night when we go to bed.

He brings laughter and love to my life every day.

I can't wait to meet the baby we made together. Seeing Ryan with him, and holding him for the first time will surely be one of the greatest joys I have ever had in my life.

I was poking around one of my hard drives and unearthed our honeymoon photos. I had forgotten that I had only edited and posted half of them so now I have remedied that on the two year anniversary of our return to the states. Our honeymoon gallery on Flickr has everything in it now. Check them out if you want to see a whole ton of photos that represent our 2+ weeks traveling through Thailand.

We had our picnic at my parents house, on the edge of the bluff, the same place where we had our wedding ceremony. My parents were so sweet to arrange the umbrella outside for us. They also put out a lovely bouquet of orange roses, a card, and a bottle of champagne (I had a little bit!).

On the drive to dinner we talked to Ryan's parents Don & Nancy, wishing them a happy anniversary too. They have been married for 36 years and we share the date.

It was a wonderful afternoon/evening, very relaxed and simple. We started a tradition last year where we buy a bottle of wine on our anniversary that we save and drink the following year. So we kept that up even though we're saving the bottle we bought last year until we can enjoy it together after our baby arrives.

Two years has gone by fast, and so has this pregnancy. I can't believe I'm going to have a kid in a few short weeks! I have been feeling good and more balanced than last week. I am so excited to begin this new stage of our lives together as parents. I know it will be a challenge to maintain balance, but I think am as ready as I'll ever be. I know I've grown a lot as a person, becoming better, calmer, kinder, more satisfied since I've been with Ryan.

Adding a kid to the mix will surely rock the boat a bit. There will be sleepless nights, short fuses, tears (both kinds), and lots of challenges for us to face together. My intention is to learn as I go, and have a death grip on a commitment to be patient and kind. I'm not really the easiest person to be around when I'm having a hard time. People who are close to me tell me that the whole room feels it.

I'm going to need to let that bad habit go.

In the last 2 weeks I have been craving pancakes. Not just plain pancakes, but any basic breakfast type bread item that can make use of maple syrup. I can be satisfied with waffles, sugar crepes, cornmeal pancakes, blueberry pancakes, anything sweet, bready, and drizzled with sugar or maple syrup. Just writing about it is making my mouth water.

Cravings I've had during this pregnancy:

• Lemonade
• Rosemary Lemonade (from the los olivos cafe)
• Hamburgers (the habit)
• Soda (I know, bad!)
• Gummi Cinnamon bears
• Kashi Cinnamon harvest wheat cereal
• Milk (2% organic from trader joes)
• Cinnamon Rolls
• Dried pineapple
• Pancakes, waffles, anything with syrup

... and I'm sure there will be more to add to the list before this is all over.

Ryan and I celebrate our two year anniversary next Tuesday (August 12). We're planning a low key afternoon and evening of time together and I'm really looking forward to it.

I did something I wasn't expecting. I washed my washer... sounds redundant right? It had some dog hair and dust leftover from the previous cycle that included dog washing towels and bathroom mats. I'm handling a bag of clothes that will be the first think our kid touches. I want them to be as clean as possible. I've heard about new mother cleanliness and I figured it would strike in increasing waves of seriousness. So the latest example, washing the washer. Baby clothes old and new are making their way into the clean washer, getting organized early puts me at ease.

Sorting and folding baby clothes is pretty fun. When they are clean and folded they go into huge zip lock bags and wait for the baby to arrive and fill them. Over 25 pairs of tiny adorable socks are together in pairs (not for long I'm sure) in the top drawer, next to Robeez and bibs. I'm getting ready.

Physically I'm doing well, and feeling great most of the time. Occasionally I get really tired and my feet have started hurting a bit, but its not too bad. Luckily I've been without back pain for over a week now. I am hoping that holds out. The weather has been humid lately and so I'm spending a lot of time by the air conditioner when I'm at home.

The family has grown again with the addition of a new golden retriever puppy (yet to be named). She is adorable and fluffy and pretty mellow. Alfie got to meet her for the first time on Sunday and they got along well. He got her to chase him around for hours. Chloe (our 9 year old golden) is not taking to the new pup so immediately, which is sad. She essentially ignores her. I think it is probably because of jealousy but I'm not sure...Its a good thing we have Alfie around to break up the social scene at the house. My mom gave Alfie a new title "Ambassador" since he seems good at getting all three of them to play together, even though Chloe is mostly directing her attention at Alfie. Given time I hope they will all become good friends.

Baby's Playlist (So far... suggestions?):

Yann Tiersen, Amelie Soundtrack

Jean Michelle Jarre, Equinoxe

Sigur Ròs, ( )

Peter Gabriel, Passion

Five days after conceiving I was riding my Vespa around town, touring the back hills of Montecito with my friend Amy Lacour. We were cruising the Castillo Blvd when I had a sudden head to toe wash of nausea go through me. It was the first time that I had proof that my body was going though something amazing. I count that as the first moment I knew I was pregnant.

As the weeks passed, the mild sensation grew less and less mild until I felt "huge" or like I had just eaten a large meal all the time. In mid April when I was 15 weeks along, I went to Amy & Courtney's wedding in Los Angeles and it was there, on the dance floor that I started to see what this whole pregnant belly feeling was shaping up to be. As I swayed and shook to the music I could feel my belly moving exactly like what it feels like when you shake an egg. The yolk was essentially bouncing off the shell.

Now, I'm officially popping out and I love it. My belly is full, and it responds to stimulation like music and me talking. The baby wakes up when I wake up to pee at the wee hours of the morning, and he kicks me as I drift back to sleep.

This is how I experience it, being pregnant essentially feels like you're getting fat.. but mainly in one place. When I rub my belly it feels mostly like me, but I can now tell that the kid inside there isn't me.. its a whole other person who I can feel when I push on it. I'm not just rubbing my stomach, or my liver... I'm rubbing a person inside me. This is pretty wild.

I've gotten into using our recently acquired Wii Fit to get some exercise, but mostly I enjoy the balance games and some mild aerobic activity. If you are considering getting a Wii fit, go for it. We love ours. I its kind of a cross between Brain Age and Wii Sports.

In the last week or so, I've been without my wii fit because Ryan and I are staying at my parents house while we get our hardwood floors refinished. We did the living room a year ago and finally had the determination to do the rest of the house. We had to move every single thing from the three rooms, guest/baby, bedroom, and office into the living room. It was no small task, and unfortunately because of my "condition" my ability to help was somewhat limited. Ryan did it almost all by himself, with help from our friend Warren for the big items.

We are really looking forward to being able to use this as an opportunity to not only go through the crap we keep and throw stuff out.. but just to have a clean slate is so nice. Especially when planning a baby's room. I love that the space will now appear more "finished" and that everything we put back in those rooms will be there with purpose. Anything we don't need to use or decorate with will be cataloged and put in storage. If we don't miss it by next year then its out of our lives.

June 5-8 Ryan and I went on our "last vacation" before baby and flew up to Portland, OR. We stayed at a nice hotel/spa, and relaxed while taking in the sights of Portland. We really like it up there. Not only is it green and lush, but the city is very cool, with old style charms, great public transport, a strong creative scene and most of all it is affordable! If we ever decide to move out of Santa Barbara, we'll have Portland at the top of our list.

Teresa got to feel the baby kicking at lunch today! She is the first person who got to feel him in action. He was kicking a bit and so I suggested she try to feel it and as soon as she put her hand on my belly he kicked really hard over and over again and calmed down about a minute later. It was intense! Its nice to finally start to be able to share this with others. Ryan has yet to feel him, but I think its because he kicks more frequently during the day when I'm sitting down and much less in the evening. Soon... !

Lately Craving: Sweets
Lately Reading: 25 ways to Simplify Your Life with Kids

He is in good health, with perfect blood test results. Size appropriate, and already looking cute with only 19 weeks in the womb... *sigh* this is really happening. wow. I think I'm still letting it all sink in. We're having a boy. We're having a baby! Life will never be the same, and I'm looking forward to it.

If thats underestimating, I'm now overestimating my ability to remember information. It has become clear, particularly at work, that I am no longer operating with the same clarity as I did before pregnancy. I forget important information, I flat out deny that I've ever heard information that I find out later I had... I learned I must doubt my usually iron clad memory. Man that sucks. Its all for a good cause and certainly, having ADD has taught me to adapt to having a brain that processes information differently. I'm just glad to know that it is probably temporary. I'm told I should get my old brain back not terribly long after this pregnancy is through. Cross your fingers for me!